To avoid going crazy and needing to destroy everything in the lab, I wrote a short app in processing to create the Haar file. I'll probably post a link to the code after I've completed the training on our images and verified that it doesn't start eating memory like no-one's business for large samples, since I had tried so very hard to avoid writing this app myself. Still, using Processing, it took all of 30 minutes to produce something that will be useful. I could've spent more time with the interface, and if I decide to release it, I very well may modify the code to have a nicer I/F and support multiple occurrences in the same image, but for now, this little app is sufficient for my purposes.
For the record, there's something utterly satisfying about completing a program in under an hour. :)